A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
