you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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