when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
that's an acceptable place to lick
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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