Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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