Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
