Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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