you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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