Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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