Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here