he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?