It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
