Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
