My sheets look like a crime scene.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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