Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you