Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
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I smell like gasoline and adventure.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.