How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ketchup is God's man juice
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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