Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
