I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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