So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
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I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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