So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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