I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
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I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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