Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
