So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
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Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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