U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
