i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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