i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
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Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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