tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
how do you play pong handcuffed?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
