I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
