Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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