Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.