My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The adults are the big ones right?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
