i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!