i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
