I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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