I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
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Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
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Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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