it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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