I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize