I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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