I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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