i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
