I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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