The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.