Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now