totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
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His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.