I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
