You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
