I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
