if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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