If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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