I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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