Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize