Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
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either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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