I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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