I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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